I've learned that I shouldn't letting the illusion controls me for it caused me losing patient and letting anxiety eating me up like a demon. And I definitely hate seeing myself being paranoid, despair and feeling the least attractive with a low self-esteem.
The past relationships happened for some reasons to mould me into a better spiritual and happy person. They didn't meant to bring me down and made me a less lovable person. It's foolish of me to let the past failures haunt my way of living.
I know now I have to face and combat the demons in me; and with God's loving grace I can reset my pessimistic views to my originally loving and happy self. All I need at this stage is my journey with God to walk through the past pains, acknowledge them and banish all the fears estranging my loving nature.
I know at the beginning God made me a loving person with the capability to love and receive love, that's no denial.
And now, the walk with my God experiencing love, hope and forgiveness. I will emerge into a lovable lady who endowed sure lovable values.
All that needs now is to wait, patiently. 爱要慢慢来， 不慌不忙。
" The Wait Poem" By Nancy Lee Demoss
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I plead and I wept for a clue to my fate...
and the Master so gently said, " Wait."
" Wait? You say wait", my indignant reply.
" Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!"
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I relate,
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a ' yes' a ' go-ahead' sign.
Or even a ' no' to which I'll resign.
You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
we need to but ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply.
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
as my Master replied again, " Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God, " So I'm waiting... for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said " I could give you a sign."
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause the mountains to run.
I could give you all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me,
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
You'd never experience the fullness of love,
When the peace of my spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of my heart.
The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond just getting what you ask,
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,
wait it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But oh, what a loss, if I lost what I'm doing in you.
So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see,
that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me...
and though often My answers seem terribly late,
my most precious answer of all is still " WAIT."